My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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