saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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