Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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