hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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