So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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