Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
