Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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