remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
