you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
