i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
