Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
