omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
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The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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