Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
