How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
