i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
