The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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