Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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