Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
