Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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