Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
