she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
