i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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