Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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