Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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