I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
