walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Randomize
