I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
