I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she told me i tasted like america
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
