I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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