so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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