I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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