if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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