smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
