I met the friendliest cop last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So much rum. So many feels.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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