Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
