He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
