i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Randomize
