HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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