i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
