Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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