When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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