i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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