don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
