Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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