A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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