I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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