Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
