You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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