paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
