I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
