i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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