i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
