saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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