she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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