the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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