I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
