What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
