Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
