So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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