So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Drunk is a universal language darling
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
