Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
